Valentine's Day and Singleness

Valentine's Day is right around the corner and this week we will focus our attention on the complex world of singles. As you read these interesting posts, think about the needs, desires, and unique gifts of the singles you counsel,work with, and interact with daily. Remember to encourage them in this season.

“Single on Valentine’s Day (again, and again, and again)”
By Cathy Beach
So a flyer arrives in my box at work one day with the heading, “Want an awesome, amazing, mind-blowing marriage?” The simple answer is “yes” because as the flyer stated I do celebrate marriage and encourage healthy relationships. I’m a counselor, and I would not last long if I did not deeply believe in it all. However, at 44 years old and still single, there’s another answer to that question that wells up within me, and at times it involves expletives!

If you had known me ten or twenty years ago I would have told you resolutely that I was going to be married and have a family by my current age. I believed that God would honor my choices to follow His guidelines for my relationships, and eventually He’d bring a godly man into my life that would be the one for me. He would be a great friend, amazing lover, he would adore me, compliment my gifts and abilities (and I him) and partner in life and ministry. We would be deeply in love, work hard at our relationships, and have a strong marriage - a witness to others. So, the question remains, where the heck is he? What happened?

Granted my original ideals were a bit lofty, but I don’t think I would fall in the category of “picky” (one of the many explanations friends, family, acquaintances, and random strangers would offer for my continued singleness.) Being like minded on the deeper/spiritual aspects of life is just an important foundation for a strong relationship - that’s not being picky - that’s being wise.

So, a question about my desires toward marriage in my own life can bring up a fountain of feelings including: discontentment, hurt, bitterness, anger. That’s the true, straight, with no sugar coating answer. If you are single I wonder if you could relate to the need to explain your desire not to be single when ever you are asked; “Are you single?” You want them to know you are single, but feel tempted to add, “It’s not my choice” or “I’m not happy about it. And by the way, I’m not picky either.”

As the years have passed I’ve begun to wonder how long will I hold on to anger and bitterness regarding my singleness. How long will I feel the need to explain my status to total strangers? (Who couldn’t really care less) The root question; “How long will I struggle with God about His current plan for my life - which includes being single?” After all, according to scripture being single is a good thing. It allows for single-mindedness in following God and doing His work. When I was younger and heard that desperate reaction in single women in their forties (or older) I would think, I don’t want to be like that if I’m single...but then again I never really thought I’d be single this long.

I have been working toward a new answer, one of grace, acceptance, and peace. An answer that allows for living in my present singleness with a sense of expectation and hope for marriage in the future, believing it to be God’s plan for my life. It has and continues to be a journey of accepting God’s direction and sovereignty in my life. Lord what is your plan for me? What have you created me to accomplish? Show me the calling on my life. I hope I have arrived at a place now as a 43 year old single woman who could respond to the question, “Want an awesome, amazing, mind-blowing marriage?” with a simple “Yes, I believe in that!” with no explanation needed.

Cathy Beach is a guest blogger for ChattanoogaCounselor.com,inc.

The Waiting Game….
By Tanisha Webster

I was having a conversation with a local therapist I know concerning singleness the other day. As a single woman in the counseling field, she told me people often ask her if she encourages singles to find contentment in their solo state. Her response was,
“No, I encourage singles to meet the opposite sex and move toward marriage.”

In The Cost of Delaying Marriage, Danielle Crittenden wrote, “In 1965, nearly 90 percent of women aged 25 to 29 were married; by 1996, only 56 percent of women in this age group were. Indeed, the more educated and ambitious a woman is the more likely she is to delay marriage and children, the Census Bureau reports.”

A 16 year old girl in my great-grandmother’s era was ready for marriage. Her level of responsibility and outlook on life were very different from 16 year olds today. Perhaps today we give our kids less responsibilities and requirements that would help them mature. As they progress through early adulthood, they don’t seem to possess the necessary skills or the emotional stability to enter and sustain a marriage—even having a healthy relationship with the opposite sex can be problematic.

At the age of 29, I desire a family and everything that it offers. Like some, I confess I needed my 20s to heal from the past and to discover myself. Crittenden points out, however, that as we wait, we risk our society dwindling away.

I’m left with the question, “Have I waited too late?” Is my Prince Charming still waiting for me to finally commit to the idea of being a wife and a mother, or did he choose a younger model that happened to be standing behind him in line at Starbucks?

Without stable and long term marriages the existence of family as we know it will continue to change for the worse. Healthy communities come as a result of healthy families that can grow, bond, and impact each other for the better. No matter what you choose in this waiting game, let this be your goal.

Tanisha Webster is a regular blogger for ChattanoogaCounselor.com,inc. If you would like to have your organization spotlighted by her in this blog, please contact her at chattcounselor@bellsouth.net.